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[27 May 2007|08:25pm] |
is she preserving the past
sothatshedosentquitehavetoletgoyet
or is she making it last
sothatmaybeshecanfindsomeonesheherselfwants
a new beginning? or a new ending? or a new something? wardrobe?
hobby? love? friends?
wha...hm
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| sigh |
[07 May 2007|07:57pm] |
D:
I hate being...
avoided.
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| my bullshit |
[07 May 2007|12:07am] |
| [ |
music |
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mcs-hold me down |
] |
I keep forgetting to do this.
Okay,
I know he won't talk to me until he's safe and sound in his new relationship.
But when I said I loved him, I did not mean for it to be about "starting a new relationship" I merely wanted him to know.
I'm just as scared.
If not more.
._,
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| adfadf |
[21 Feb 2007|09:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
liars...liars...
lying never seemed so easy...
lying never seemed so easy...
until you...
@_@
god dammit.
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| @_@ |
[21 Feb 2007|12:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
] |
So I'm trying to rewrite this song. While I should be listening in class. I want to play this song at the talent show--whenever that may be. Me at a concert: *shake*....
I can already feel my fingers missing keys and making an awful sound. *shiver* ack! Bueh :3
If I'm not in love with you,
What is this I'm going through, tonight...
And if this heart is lyin' then,
what should I believe in?
Why do I go crazy...
Every time I think about you baby...
All I wanna say is I miss you... it's so hard to say "I'm sorry."
Oh why in every fantasy...
Do I feel your arms embracing me...
And why in dreams do I surrender...
Like a little baby...?
Tell me why, oh can you tell me...
Forever... and always...
Memories of our time together,
they stay like this, they don't go away...
I wish I could tell you that I miss you....
always and forever...
If you haven't changed your mind,
I wanna be with you... tonight
--
I had a scary dream lastnight. This dream -- I was with my dad, right? Walking in a store.
I heard Kyle and Brian's voice.
So I went and said "hi" and Kyle got all MEAN. He SHOVED me literally. Told me to "fuck off" basically. And stop being a creepy stalker. so I crying, felt despair and misunderstanding. And I feel his staining sarcasm and misunderstanding. And I sense stupidity.
These dreams...
What is their meaning? Do I fear him? Do I hate him? Do I crave acceptance? Still? Even now? Maybe? Maybe... let us say instead, possibly. I wont be here forever and I wish I ... knew. But Kyle works in this pattern.
>Lie to Kelsea.
> Continue listening to Brynna cry and moan.
>Ignore Kelsea but still make pathetic attempts at being the "nice ex."
Sigh.
I don't know how to believe him.
But then again who cares?
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| September 2006 |
[15 Feb 2007|02:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
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paper crumpling |
] |
9.1.06 I feel icky.
It's not time for school just yet, but it's almost there-ugh ~w~
I don't wanna go! Er, wait, do I? Ponder. I'm gonna keep this thing handy for my fucking sanity @w@
I wonder, what'll happen?
Random RPG Stlye Profile-
Name: Werner Lauren Kelsea (BACKWARDS)
Alias: Mieko >.> <.<
Treasures: @@ Laptop... Sketchbook... Neesan...
Abilities: Creative writing, drawing, cooking kinda, reading and translating
Inabilities: Singing (shhhhh), math, computer graphics, etc.
Currently I'm 17 human years old. Will add to this maybe later.
9.5.06 Shit. Yeah, I think that about covers it. So can't write on bus... too shakey.. omg! French 2! That's gonna change (not). Well, Stiff shoulder. Crap. GET ME OUT OF HERE! I cry ;_; Wonder if internalizing a feeling is okay-- thoughts and stuff. "Love dosen't exist?" Or dosen't it. Hell, I don't know. I feel cocky, and obnoxious, right? I wonder if Neil and Melissa are around. ;-; I hope they didn't move. I'd be all alone. I'm such a chicken shit... I don't want to have Wallace again, she bores me. Seriously. WATER! Af. af. af afafafafaf. no notes he says? okay. lol, hi. that's my note. put it on the wall for all to see, mmkay? *hiccup* *hiccup* Margin art;-;/ Lunch Numero 2 ~_~ Whee. Ah god. t-t it's ART CLASS...! Yay <3 This is awesome. Next, creative writing. End of schoolday pick me up. Rawrawr. I'm silly, aren't I? I'm sad... I can't... get out, flail around so we know who you are!
9.6.06 O.O I think Brian hates or is avoiding me. -.-; I don't know, he never says anything. Wonder what I did? P.S. I'm a psycho! >_> HI. HI. HI. [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<_<>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] 9.1.06 I feel icky.
It's not time for school just yet, but it's almost there-ugh ~w~
I don't wanna go! Er, wait, do I? Ponder. I'm gonna keep this thing handy for my fucking sanity @w@
I wonder, what'll happen?
Random RPG Stlye Profile-
Name: Werner Lauren Kelsea (BACKWARDS)
Alias: Mieko >.> <.<
Treasures: @@ Laptop... Sketchbook... Neesan...
Abilities: Creative writing, drawing, cooking kinda, reading and translating
Inabilities: Singing (shhhhh), math, computer graphics, etc.
Currently I'm 17 human years old. Will add to this maybe later.
9.5.06 Shit. Yeah, I think that about covers it. So can't write on bus... too shakey.. omg! French 2! That's gonna change (not). Well, Stiff shoulder. Crap. GET ME OUT OF HERE! I cry ;_; Wonder if internalizing a feeling is okay-- thoughts and stuff. "Love dosen't exist?" Or dosen't it. Hell, I don't know. I feel cocky, and obnoxious, right? I wonder if Neil and Melissa are around. ;-; I hope they didn't move. I'd be all alone. I'm such a chicken shit... I don't want to have Wallace again, she bores me. Seriously. WATER! Af. af. af afafafafaf. no notes he says? okay. lol, hi. that's my note. put it on the wall for all to see, mmkay? *hiccup* *hiccup* Margin art;-;/ Lunch Numero 2 ~_~ Whee. Ah god. t-t it's ART CLASS...! Yay <3 This is awesome. Next, creative writing. End of schoolday pick me up. Rawrawr. I'm silly, aren't I? I'm sad... I can't... get out, flail around so we know who you are!
9.6.06 O.O I think Brian hates or is avoiding me. -.-; I don't know, he never says anything. Wonder what I did? P.S. I'm a psycho! >_> HI. HI. HI. <_< =D lol @ eric sleeping. I'm fine.
I still hate school. Need 10$.
"Everytime I think of Sanji, I get hungry."-big sister~
9.7.06
I have a headache. A headache. Headache. Headache. Itai. Itai. Mal a le tet.
Note to self. Uh. Sorry self. Idiot.
I personally feel that people realize that they are right and wrong and in times to come we will realize. There is a time of peace, and it creates almost, laziness. A time of chaos creates those who crave for a peace, and cherish it. See? Do you see? Can you see? It hurts! It's in discord. We realize the same personal problems occur over and over. problems over and over. can we get past it or will we just give up?
9.8.06 There is a photograph that sticks out to me, and it's of a person I've never met... he looks like someone I know, and for that suble reason I'md rawn to that photo. it annoys me to no end. Note to self. I have homework. note to selfx2. lol af.
note note note: sabishi~ *
Artclass kicksass. Rhyme <3 I'll do it later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later. Later.
9.11.06 hnn. fun. Can't wait for creative writing. I had a banana sucker today- I won at viola. o.o Amazing. Mr. Ayers has a strange sense of humour... seriously =o Note to self: Call older sibling and ask for Hwork 'elp. Then kill her for eating my breakfast. That raspberry filled donut DOES NOT CUT IT MISSY. It wasn't even good. It didn't have enough raspberry and too much powerdered sugar. Hm!-Cross contour is helpful for filling in details. For say example, painting sketches. I'd use it. The day just zips by. No slowing down and it's almost boring how fast it goes. Is it just me or does it just plain cool that the Russian girl in my creative writing class isawesome for bein' there? Creative writing with your second language. That's like me being creative with my geometry homework.
9.12.06
BLECH! Yesterday was cooler. I sat and talked to some random choir girl for awhile So far, all my aquaintences like reading and country music. What does that say? I was thinking yesterday... write down the school routine right now because I wanna see how it changes.
Okay so.
-eat breakfast in french
-go sing
-go listen to fat man who is cool
-go tolerate wallace
-lunch-boring and sad
-art
-creative writing
-talk to Neil for 5 mionutes
home~blah~sleep.
That's it. My c anvas fell, and broke yesterday. I blame her. Her being my sister. As usual, everything is fine. Was I lying? I can't tell if I was or not. But I think it was paartial outright, "be positive" kind of awnser rather than a, "no, I'm still heavily affected from the events from last year."
Occasionally I loose it. Even over the smallest things. I hardly ever mention it toanyone. I feel like either 2) they don't care b) I don't want them to care. even if sometimes I whisper softly, "help...." and then I'd just randomly cry. To truely feel alone, like when the friends I could follow jump off at lunch and I'm forced to say oh well. Sometimes it's fun. Other times it sucks. Yeah.... o_oI don't even know what this geomertry lesson is about .... shitshitshitshitshit. Screwed. I lost my favorite pencil. I don't feel like drawing today. Bitch bitch bitch moan. Oh drawing cellphones! BRILLIANT! Not.
9.13.07
First blockday of the year. Rawr. *hum* Here we go again. Crap. French class... <3 I'm not sure why, but it's funner this year and comfortable. And I'm avoiding math like the plague. "I was going to ask you to be honest, which is an interesting concept this day and age." Eyeeeah. Tired.
No matter the pain, keep trying. Keep living. Keep going. No matter what!
I learned that the twin towers were built to fall straight down. that kills conspiracy theory # 1... pretty sure thought that there were bombs in the building. This happened when I was 13 years old. At the time of writing, I'm 17 amazingly. Little kids are awesome. I suddenly wonder if a path down the career of art is incorrect for me. What then? What...
I hate doubting this... Damn. Melodrama and a bottle of wine...
It's funner to interact with my sister than "my good so called friends..." I'm just like, hmmm, intersting :O
There are two sides to every story.
"Remember, we're right, they're wrong." Whatever.
We're still here. Still here... I'm kinda ngry. I haven't 1 single clue as to why that is, either. Sigh, I wanna go home. What is the American dream, and why are we so high on ourselves that we call it ours alone...?
9.14.06 LUFFY! ;~; He was crying. And I was like, *sniff* don't cry! *SOB* Ussop really put up a good fight (why against Luffy? >_>) Celan bedsheets! <3 School going well ish. Second blockday of year. Choir was fun. Math. Crap. Note to self, as dad to fix easel canvas thingy. I could write forever and still not admit all personal thoughts. But choir really is fun. Writing this thing in mathclass makes me paranoid. I think I'll go to Brian's anyway. Nah. Clean my room? Nah. Sleep and enjoy bed warmth? BINGO! Luffy... Sorry, one track mind. :3! On my choir sweater I want it to say RAWR. Well anyway, must do math homework. Must. or I will die.
9.15.06 Maybe silence works for some.
I won't say why but I know I'm not the person who can stay silent. What do I do? What do I... sit up and wait or get up and go. I can't make up my mind! Do I trust or suspect? What?
Half of me wants to ask my friends what. The other wants to run, make new friends. Coweardly... what if I can't... what if there isn't anything left here... but schoolwork. What do I do... I have noone to talk to. I must come off as obnoxiously childish. WHAT DO I DO! What. what. Sigh. HE said he was happy I wasn't there. I don't know, don't know. I feel lost and almost alienated. REally don't know. What.
{A time of darkness.
You will look absurd, and feel inert--
and go looking to blame somebody.
You see I used to think I would get over everything, but everything just got over me.}
It's my job to say hello this time. I think, but should I? Help somebody. Please.
I'm probably not wanted around Kyle and Brynna. I might be wrong... or right... or wrong....I think I'm frowned on, I don't know if I can handle it. A wave in the hallway feels weird. I waved and then I started to SHAKE. See? What's wrong with me? I understand how I've been a bad friend to Brian. Seriously I understand. and it can be fine but it's my effort to make. I miss being a freshman and sometimes I wanna take away all the experiences and start over. but I've discovered invaluable things that I don't wanna forget. Sometimes I hate it,sometimes not. I want to say.
Sorry. You know? But how.
Nobody is here...
Well it's gonna take a bit of effort, but not all is lost.
I thought I needed a psychiatrist because this is getting re ally annoying for me.
I enjoy my classes and want to learn to drive. And I should study French.
And be as honest as I possibly can...
Always.
I say things I don't mean. I'm done being angry and sand and I want to forgive. And understand. Is that weird?
Funny=I shall follow you to the pop machine, it will be like a quest."
Okay. <3
Well here comes the weekend... seeya on Monday...
9.18.06
Truely a Monday. I'm VERY willing to go back to bed for a few more hours. And Social studies-I'm lost.
--yeah!
--no...
I'm nervous and I want to go home. Now that I look, "home" is strangely spelledd. *dies* <3 Spelled stragely. <3Luffy<3
The guys sitting next to me in 3rd's arm keeps bumping and it pisses me off.
JEREMIAH WAS A BULLFROG! No really. He was.
Now he's just a frog minus the bull.
Holy crap.
I need to calm down and do my work.
But I cannot focus. Aaaaaaaf.
I have my blindside turned to the problems. So I twist my head to stare at my empty hole of a remaining memory. Although a heart lingers, sometimes, or does not know how to move on, it can love fiercely for a short time.
"So y ou're one of those people." I smile fondly at the recognition. I want that hotchocolate they handed me for free at border's. Someday I'd love to work there as a something *_* or something... Hehehe. These headphones suck ;-; What were those french thinking when they designed the maid's outfit? SEX!? @_@ Undoubtably!
I never get sick, I just realized how infrequently I wash my hands. I'm a brat! Who is lucky to have such an immune system. Sometimes I get superstitious. "If you want it you won't get it." That's my theory... and I for got to set my alarm clock.
9.19
Now I'm still tired, even more than yesterday, because of all things, yes, it's raining. A nice supply of percipitation donated from the North. Still not the courage to say hello in the morning. Trying to but it'll probably never happen. </3 advisory. First thought going on the bus: "Why yes, I DO have a giant muffin. Bwahahahahaha." <-inner Kelsea. My francais poster partner isn't here. What's the differance? I'm the only one who does anything. Ellerd~ let me nap in your room before driver's ed~~ AH! I didn't turn on my download. I wonder if Mr. Teal has triple A batteries? No. *whine* I forgot my rechargable one. Damnit! Time to go. Oh my, I just found out that it is national pirate day... so here I am wishing I had a pirate patch.
I'm currrently addicted to a piano song from ff9 called "you are not alone..." it's cooooool. But probably a pain in the ass to play... Daisuki na hito ga to'oi... the person I love has gone far away.
I've got issues with dictee, but when I hear something and see it written and then write it, over and over, I'll get it. I think that's all kinds of learning techniques combined plus musical repetetion. my rule is te more you practice the more it will become a second nature.
I hope someone has a triple a battery. I'm guessing my art teacher. like wallace would give me one. >_>
SILLY! I love Luffy! And I saw a Kenshin plushie! I was like... *stroke!*
Oh yeah, I was suppoed to write Rina a letter.
Oups.
Lol at economy... people in india are starving and get a great education so they will work for food but the people in america are lazy and fat and losing jobs to starving people from india.
yep.
what is this ? blah at wallace day? wow. wallace is crazy. in a semi strange kinda cool way. hehe I hate math.
sheesh. oh man. what an experience....
SOLD OUT!
In discord:
One final volume
reaching out
without reaction,
all my follies,
my mistakes.
What makes a strong heart break?
much like the truth without proper handling,
I will fall against my own sins.
(And: if this is a game, what do you need me for? |
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| @_ @ |
[13 Dec 2006|05:42pm] |
Tout seul et roi
Je suis nonchalant
Plus d'ambition
J'évite l'action
J'ai peur de moi dormant sur le divan
Je crois que je meurs lentement
L'inertie me colle au sofa
Disparition de ma foi
Prier, crier
Je dois faire ça
Pour espérer la retrouver
Disparition de ma foi
Prier, crier
Je dois faire ça
Pour espérer la retrouver
Dans mon confort
Je ne fais plus d'effort
Je ne dis plus bonjour
Je suis devenu sourd
Sans gymnastique
Un corps léthargique
J'ai peur de moi dormant sur le divan
Je crois que je meurs lentement
L'inertie me colle au sofa
Disparition de ma foi
Prier, crier
Je dois faire ça
Pour espérer la retrouver
Disparition de ma foi
Prier, crier
Je dois faire ça
Pour espérer la retrouver
Pas de fermeté
Je bois du café
Je n'ai qu'une seule cible
Oui c'est l'inutile
Je reste dans ma bulle
J'ai peur de moi dormant sur le divan
Je crois que je meurs lentement
L'inertie me colle au sofa
Disparition de ma foi
Prier, crier
Je dois faire ça
Pour espérer la retrouver
Disparition de ma foi
Prier, crier
Je dois faire ça
Pour espérer la retrouver
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| homework drop |
[17 Oct 2006|07:01am] |
1)
a) Meriwether Lewis: Thomas Jefferson’s secretary. Ordered to explore the Louisiana Territory.
b) Napoleon Bonaparte: The man who tried to conquer the world… or just that guy who was emperor of Franca at the time of the Louisiana purchase.
c) Willaim Clark: Lewis’ travel companion! Helped explore the territory and took notes about animals, climate, weather and whatnot.
d) Sacajawea: A Shoshone woman who acted as a translator/guide to Lewis and Clark (and the 40 other people who they took with them).
2.)
a) Jefferson wanted to buy the Louisiana territory for a few reasons. One, if he had it, the French didn’t, and couldn’t use it to set up any sort of empire there. Two, it would allow (he hoped) easier transportation of goods. Three, it would in theory protect the citizens surrounding the Mississippi river.
b) Napoleon wanted to sell the Louisiana territory to make money because he was loosing another war with Britain. And he had no further interest in the American territory because he failed to recapture Haiti from the locals (who had one their independence from France some time before)…some conqueror he turned out to be.
3.)
a)The Constitution didn’t really say anything about purchasing land. At all. Jefferson complained…
b)Jefferson justified his purchase by saying he was making a “treaty” with France or something weird like that.
4.)
a) Jefferson asked for Lewis and Clark to log things like weather, climate, plant, geologic structure…animal life. He gave specific instructions because he was curious.
b) They found out that there was no North-west passage. Dang.
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| @__@ |
[04 Oct 2006|11:23am] |
The "fun personality test I took in school"--
Understanding you, Kelsea
People like you are rare. You are a unique and creative person who tends to march to the beat of your own drummer. Private, quiet, and socially cautious, only friends who know you very well may ever see your more playful and expressive side. In fact, it takes awhile for you to feel comfortable with new people so you may often be described as somewhat reserved. But inside, you are a person of great feeling and care deeply for the people and causes that are dear to your heart. Your personal values are most important to you so you always try to make choices that you feel good about. You are rarely willing to compromise on anything that is really important to you. You can sometimes become overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions, and your relationships need to be free of conflict or tension for you to remain in them.
You are also a highly imaginative person and may enjoy expressing yourself through the arts. But since you are also somewhat of a perfectionist, you may have trouble hearing constructive criticism without taking it personally. You are quick to understand the deeper meaning of things, and often have a fresh or original take on events and people. Since you prefer by nature to act spontaneously, you resist too many rules or too much structure. And you may also have trouble staying organized or making decisions. At heart, you are a non-conformist and must find the path that is really right for you, even if it means striking out alone.
Note: Based on our assessment, your personality type is "INFP."
I described it as pretty damn accurate.
Your strengths may include:
Impressing people as someone with strong values and convictions.
Communicating well one-on-one.
Expressing yourself well in writing.
Being an attentive listener.
Demonstrating an interest in and broad grasp of big issues.
Your blindspots may include:
Being too idealistic and setting unrealistic goals.
Not being particularly well organized.
Becoming defensive if you perceives you are being challenged.
Not following through on important details and deadlines.
Being less than 100% accurate with facts.
For a career to be satisfying for you, it should:
Be in harmony with your own personal values; involve work you believe in.
Give plenty of time to develop your ideas and maintain control over your projects.
Allow you plenty of autonomy and private, quiet space to work.
Be done with other creative and caring people whose values you respect.
Allow you to work in a fairly unstructured environment with not too many rules.
Appreciate your unique contributions.
Allow you to help others grow and develop their potential.
Use your gift for understanding of what makes others tick.
I just thought it was fucking awesome.
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| Aaf |
[02 Oct 2006|12:22pm] |
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mood |
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crazy |
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Young and Proud-Ace of Base |
] |
You know, what I think. My sister that I used to know has changed. She has lost her irritability. And become quite mellow and somewhat stupid :D
It makes me giggle.
Young and proud, young and proud ~~
I’m calling out your naaame, I’m calling out your name…
But you never hear me!
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keshie's journal